I had an eating disorder for three and a half years of my life, throughout high school. Bulimia as an eating disorder is different from other such disorders as it has cycles. The cycle looks like this: diet-binge-purge-repeat. It typically repeats itself over and over, and if you are suffering from bulimia nervosa, you may feel like it’s impossible to stop. But understanding this pattern of behaviour is one of the best ways to figure out how to stop it and start on the road to recovery.
Throughout the last three years, I have worked intensely on myself. At this point in time I can, fortunately, say that I don’t do the cycle anymore. This project is not a romanticization of mental illness, rather it is proof that if you are experiencing bingeing and purging, recovery is possible. You may be able to apply some strategies on your own. Keep food records to understand your own patterns. Learn some strategies for breaking the cycle. Finally, seek help from a qualified professional.
The painting was created out of the mental state when the idea of binging and purging clash with each other. The vomiting, the discomfort and the continuous struggle to be okay being in your body is something I tried to embody in the painting. Someone once said, use a small plate to manage your food intake. The plate in the middle is there to say that it would not matter because the line that divided my two extreme ideas of consumption was pretty much present everywhere regardless of the utensils’ size or depth. It is a never-ending dilemma.
I wrote certain lines that came to my mind while I was painting. From a few lines, it went to a few lines that made sense together. I added the visuals that were going through my mind while I was writing as accurately as possible. To make the other person understand what goes through your mind when you have an eating disorder.